I have not been as active as I whised to and I am still struggling. But since I have recieved so much support and understanding I just wanted to make a journal to explain the things a bit more.
As for my achool life, I had a really really active semester. I am working my own short film for my graduation, I have been working on it's preproduction all year, and even if the prestuff is done, I have a long way to go. I am not sharing my school work here on a regular basic, and I am not sure if that will ever become a thing. But I fully dedicated my life for my studies in the last semester, and I plan to do the same in this one too. I am uncertain about my future in many ways, but I am not afraid. This does not mean however, that I will sit on my butt to do nothing about it.
DA was always somthing I loved to do, and I was on it like always... Especially when I uploaded something. There was times when I uploaded almost one art per day. Well that has changed a bit. I still love doing it, but I feel really unsur about my art and my style and my everything. This is why I started experimenting, including my commissions.
On this note I would like to thank my commissioners, who are really understanding and patient about my slow speed with the drawings. I am working on them, but sometimes I make 4-5 versions/poses/compositions of them in the name of experimenting, also my exams were kind of... time consuming... But I am working on them, and I hope they will be worth your waiting.
So back to DA, I've always felt motivated to create here, to grow and share, and I still have a lot of different ideas, but I lack the passion or ability to make them into reality. I have OCs with amazing back stories in my head, comic ideas, animations, something what can entertain you or anybody seeing it, but I am just straight up stuck.
And I suspect that is mostly because of my condition. If you had seen my Fallen
art you know, I have stuggled with stuffs. I will not turn this journal into a mental healt article about me, but I feel like I have to explain it a bit. There are some of you who has "known" me for years, since I started DA. I was a really cheerfull, wacky - pun intended - and optimistic person, and I am still am. I always had my dark moments, but nowadays they have grown. I know that I am not the only person suffering from something like depression or anxiety, also I am greatful for my life since it could be so much worse.
But the feeling that my biggest achievement of my day, is that I got up morning is just sad. And the worst part of this all, that since I tend to turn to improving and working from my troubles, I do indeed ACHIEVE great things. I got to go and help with a workshop whit my teachers, was asked to talk to students about animations and art with my classmates, my work was choosen to be a part of an exhibition. These are just some of my achivements of THIS year. 2016. And it is the end of JANUARY.
The worst is that I know I am capable of so much more and I just can't see and be happy with it. I can't feel the happiness which I am supposed to. Therefore I am forever oushing myself to more and more, to a point which I don't even know is there.
And I am triing to overcome this feeling, hell, I have been triing since 5 years. And I do not give up anything, I am never going to give up, even when I feel like I should. I just can't. I am triing out new things, triing to change my life in babysteps, just to see how can I become a whole happy human being again.
One of the reasons why I decided to share it, because... This is the reason why I am not as active in these days, weeks, months. I am fighting a battle which I feel I am just creating for myself inside my head, but I still can't back out of it. Thankfully, I have support in my everyday life. There are few who even if not understanding what the hell is my problem, decided to stand by me and support me, and say that I am a talented person, even a funny goofy and beautiful one in her own ways. And it helps, even if just for a short time, but it helps me to remember, that yes, I achieve stuffs and it is worth fighting in every moment.
The other reason is because I wanted to just reach out for anybody who feels even a little bit the same way. I have people in my life who feel the same and it is amazing how we can support each other but not yourselfs. So I just really wanted to say these, since my art can inspire people, maybe to see that I am in this situation can also help them in a way. I always got a lot of power when I see others fight for their happiness and don't give up.
So I just wanted to say. You are awesome. I don't know you probably. Maybe I never will. But there is only one f you on this planet, and that makes you amazing and unique. And you are fighting every day, which makes you brave and strong. You are not
alone with your problems, there will always be a way to share it and ask for help. Professional or friendly help. You deserve to be happy and to find your way in life and your happiness. You are beautiful, amazing, strong and brave.
I wanted the first journal to be happy wacky, plan-the-future, infos and extras stuff, with dreams and ambitions, but in the past few days I just could not bring myself to anything like that. I hope in the next one I can talk more about actual infos, news and events, than this one. But I really wanted to just say what is up so this happened...
Also I will try to get up to date with my notifications. I have like... 500 of them, and I hate not to be up to date but well... But never mind, I am triing to catch up with you guys!
Sorry for anybody new here... I am more wacky usually promise
I am triing to get back to my happy place, this emo journal thing will not continue in the future hopefully
This was me for today.Wacky06